A Frustration Beyond Others

Writing college essays has reached the level of difficulty that makes me want to crawl back to SAT prep.  While the test prep was a mindless repetition of problems and skills, college essays are the complete opposite.  It's the process of introspection, one done in a very short amount of time, that fries my brain and leaves me crying in frustration, similar to my English class.  In both, I have never felt such a level of incompetency and muteness as I currently experience.  It's the depth of ideas that alludes me, and I've been trying to catch it ever since I (we) started the blog.  The feelings and thoughts I have are buried behind and worn away by the countless hours I've spent hidden behind the textbook or computer.  I've become the expert at regurgitation so now my ideas shallow and frankly non-existent.  Whenever I look inwardly, it seems that I've only done the things I have is to please the college admissions.  I haven't accomplished a single thing I want to do or because I was inspired to do.

As I write this post, I realize my ideas were not what I initially wanted to express, all lost after two minutes of distraction.  So now I simply sit, frustrated at my inability to form stars into constellations and move you with my words.

With that, I leave you, dear readers, as I forge on to write college essays that don't show who I truly am, but what college admissions want to see.

A Letter to November

*I'm feeling pensive so I'll be a pretentious piece of shit*

Dear November,

I don't ever remember liking you very much. Your brother, October, was even worse for me with all his heart-attack-inducing scares and creeping crawlers, not to mention the one-time PSATs. You, on the other hand, were on the recovery end of October and always reminded me of the gray, cold, blistering chill of winter and the horrors Native Americans suffered. However, this year Texas decided that you were to be awarded with a multitude of warm, sunnies days all consisted of spotless blue skies that seem to stretch on forever and one miraculous night time snowfall that left the roofs and lawns dusted with white the next morning. Truly November, you've spoilt me.

Sadly, your month is wrapping up quickly which means that the SATs are just around the corner. December is my dread this year, with the start of the SATs and the ending of an unsuccessful semester. It seems that I've been looking towards the future more and more, neglecting to live in the present and forgetting to think about the past. You were always that stable month, the incipient of the whirlwind that is the end of the year. You seem so quiet, so giving, so present. This year, I was allowed to enjoy the beautiful days you have graciously granted me and I've learned from my walks. You taught me lessons in life that I have brushed off time after time. When I stopped looking forward, I saw you. You stood there - waiting - and in your hands, you held a pair of glasses. Sometimes, I watched the world with a new set of eyes, a fresh perspective. I gave you back those glasses - the change was too much for me - but I promise you, in the near future (look at that, we're talking about the future), I will find the courage to put them back on. Permanently.

November, my gratitude for you is truly ineffable. I will always remember.

Azalea  

The Past, Present, and Future

So... it's been a while, eh? Well, if we were to chart of all my posts by dates, this might actually fall into the every six months, once in winter break and once in summer vacation pattern. Yup. Of course, I should never deprive my oh-so-faithful audience from my daily musings! My poor, poor souls. How your lives must have suffered without my intellectual thoughts! Anyway, I am back and better than ever.
SAT prep has really been wearing me down even though I spend half my days online playing games (hey, it worked when I was getting ready for AP tests!). Summer has been wearing me down to be honest. Weekends are the worst since I have to take practice tests, and actually study. But I shouldn't complain. My future's on the line, and I need to put out my maximum efforts.
I've always thought I would end up going to a pretty good school, maybe an Ivy. But after so much research, it seems that I'm falling short. My SAT scores aren't up, my extracurricular activities are almost non-existential, I don't have any sort of award, and much less something that makes me stand out from the crowd. I know people are still relatively successful even going to an O.K college, but I want to make a change in this world. I knew there was always a reason why I was attracted to the United Nations or the various world organizations as well as the idea of volunteering in impoverish regions of the world. It's because I want to be out there, making a difference. I want to make the world a better place, and I just hope that I can do that. "Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something," once e-mailed the great Jane Fairfax. And I really hope, Ms. Fairfax, that I can do something.

-Azalea

Thoughts of Deadly Poison

Early in fifteenth birthday, I encountered my first case with suicide.  I've always heard about, and been warned to watch for it, but it never seemed like a looming danger.

Right before our city's Christmas Parade of Lights, word that a young clarinetist (I believe) from our sister school chose to end her life. Our band was encouraged to sign a poster with our condolences while our sister school withdrew from the parade all together.  It was then when suicide became a lurking shadow on my brain. (Of course, if you were to ask my friends, suicide was always lurking in my brain. Committing suicide in a video game was quite an obsession I had).

It seems, however, that suicide would like to more than just an intangible imprint on my brain.  Recently, my friend's mother has expressed concern about her daughter's behavior.  She has stopped eating, stopped taking interest in the things she liked, and stopped caring about her future.  She described how she was feeling as hopeless. At school, I've noticed that her smile has dimmed considerably and has seemed much more forced than it ever has.  The issue of suicide has certainly taken its hold on my brain now.  I can't say I'm not concerned for her.  She's never been a particularly good friend of mine (too frivolous in my opinion), but if she were to leave this mortal world, I might finally shed some tears over death.

I hope she'll find her motive in life, and see the beauty in plain sight.  I hope she'll see the light in this dungeon we call high school, and I hope she'll reach for it.  There's so much more to see.

-Azalea

Grand Entrance

I suppose it's time for me to make my grand entrance back again into this fast-paced Blogger life. Hayden has been reincarnated into the awkwardwriter and Vivi still lives on. I suppose that Loli will never come back, though I do miss her daily-sometimes hourly-blogposts of her life. I wish Jenny would come so I can try to decipher all the names.

Though I have to say, I miss writing my sentiments online and having people read it. It gives a different feel to writing a diary. I suppose that it's because what happens online is almost never discussed in real life or else a certain feel of awkwardness arises. But it seems that by writing online, I have more of an incognito image. The audience cannot tell how I actually feel about a topic and  I cannot associate a face to my audience. It strangely seems to make me open up a little more to my emotions.

I have to admit, the person I am now is very different from the person last year....or close to last year. My views of the world have developed and I understand the world a little better than I did. Just in this short time period, my experiences have shaped me to be a different person. It makes me wonder how easily influenced we can be. As of late, I've been wondering if I would be the same kind of person if I wasn't living in these circumstances. From my deductions, all my answers have been no, no matter how desperately I've wanted them to be yes. It seems so alien that I could be anyone but the person I am now. To be honest, it scares me a little. It terrifies me to know that I cannot even make my own person, that I am merely the blend of influences and opinions from external forces. Even just watching a T.V shows changes the way I carry myself. I know that it is my own fault. I want to emulate certain things and those things that I emulate become me. In a way, I am shaping myself, but I am not shaping myself with my own opinions. I merely see something I would like to be and try to do it. But that is not me. That is not the person that I am nor is it the person that I should be.

Anyway, past those darker themes, I've been having a hard time at school.  I can't seem to be trying hard enough. I don't have the motive, the drive to succeed.  I've been letting my grades slack and letting entertainment get the better of me. I feel tired all the time.  I've been energetic, but never about my schoolwork.  So different from the motivated me-from-the-past.

Well that wasn't much of a brighter topic. Oh well...let's look at pictures of food!

Cake!!!!

Doesn't this look good?

I love pasta! It's so good...

SUSHI is GREAT!!! Don't you think so? ;)

FROZEN chocolate mousse... What could top it?

This is probably my favorite Chinese dish (besides dumplings). It's so easy to make! Plus, my dad makes it phenomenally.

The Journey

So, Hayden has left for her travel to the wonderful country of China. She has started her own blog, theawkwardwriter. You should follow her with all her awkwardness and journeys she will possibly talk about. That's it for now.

-Azalea

Of losing everything

     “Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.” 
                  -Paulo Coelho

  It's strange to think about how dearly we clutch our "things", let it be animate or inanimate, to our chest.  We never let go and perhaps that fear has been rooted into our instincts since the Cenezoic Era, Pleistocene Epoch, or (for you whom are deeply religious) when Adam and Eve first appeared.  It seems that loss is one of the greatest human fears.
   " You cannot read loss, only feel it," once said Author Golden in The Memoirs of a Geisha.  It is hard to explain how one feels when something is gone, which makes it all the worse.  Words cannot suffice the expression we feel, music cannot fully delve the subject.  But painting this emotion in such a light does not do it justice.  Is loss such a negative thing in human life? Is it something we need to balance the sweet and bitter of life? Or does it really teach you a lesson at the end? If you were to think of it positively, you could say that loss really slaps you in the face.  It makes you realize that nothing really does belong to us and that you have to enjoy something while it's here so when it leaves, the regret won't crash on you.  I really think that loss can show us that light when we were blind.  Maybe your boy/girlfriend broke up with you, but you can finally see their true colors.  Lust and love can do that to you, blind you.  But that's for another time, another blog post.  I also think that loss shows us what we take for granted.  We never really realize the importance of someone until they're are gone.  And I think that the pain of losing someone comes from that, the sudden epiphany that you took someone for granted.  Anyways, life will eventually move on, becoming mountains and valleys, while we live and understand. 

-Azalea

P.S Anyone who can guess which song lyrics the title is from gets virtual cookies! 
P.P.S I realize that I didn't talk about losing yourself....maybe another time.
P.P.P.S Thank you whoever looked at this blog from Russia! It's greatly appreciated that you would read the inner turmoil that authors face. :)