Azalea Hayden: Grand Entrance

I suppose it's time for me to make my grand entrance back again into this fast-paced Blogger life. Hayden has been reincarnated into the awkwardwriter and Vivi still lives on. I suppose that Loli will never come back, though I do miss her daily-sometimes hourly-blogposts of her life. I wish Jenny would come so I can try to decipher all the names.

Though I have to say, I miss writing my sentiments online and having people read it. It gives a different feel to writing a diary. I suppose that it's because what happens online is almost never discussed in real life or else a certain feel of awkwardness arises. But it seems that by writing online, I have more of an incognito image. The audience cannot tell how I actually feel about a topic and I cannot associate a face to my audience. It strangely seems to make me open up a little more to my emotions.

I have to admit, the person I am now is very different from the person last year....or close to last year. My views of the world have developed and I understand the world a little better than I did. Just in this short time period, my experiences have shaped me to be a different person. It makes me wonder how easily influenced we can be. As of late, I've been wondering if I would be the same kind of person if I wasn't living in these circumstances. From my deductions, all my answers have been no, no matter how desperately I've wanted them to be yes. It seems so alien that I could be anyone but the person I am now. To be honest, it scares me a little. It terrifies me to know that I cannot even make my own person, that I am merely the blend of influences and opinions from external forces. Even just watching a T.V shows changes the way I carry myself. I know that it is my own fault. I want to emulate certain things and those things that I emulate become me. In a way, I am shaping myself, but I am not shaping myself with my own opinions. I merely see something I would like to be and try to do it. But that is not me. That is not the person that I am nor is it the person that I should be.

Anyway, past those darker themes, I've been having a hard time at school. I can't seem to be trying hard enough. I don't have the motive, the drive to succeed. I've been letting my grades slack and letting entertainment get the better of me. I feel tired all the time. I've been energetic, but never about my schoolwork. So different from the motivated me-from-the-past.

Well that wasn't much of a brighter topic. Oh well...let's look at pictures of food!